I want in on the penny games!

Okay, so as part of my job at the library, I've been processing books from the juvenile collection.

In amongst the books to help children cope with various traumas -- dead pets, dead parents, naughty touching, bullying, step-families, et cetera -- was a charming little book titled “Alice Doesn’t Babysit Anymore”. Being curious I thought “why the hell doesn’t Alice babysit anymore?” I thought perhaps Alice had died and this book was meant to help the children cope with death. Or maybe Alice caught a venereal disease and is now a lesson in social hygiene. In any case, Alice’s reason for ditching the babysitting gig was some thing I never would have guessed:

Alice is a perverted sexual deviant.

You see, Alice likes to play “secret touching games” with her young charges. First, and most disturbingly, she pulls out handfuls of bright, shiny pennies and drops them into the kid’s underwear and she makes the fondle each other in search of pennies. They get prizes for finding the pennies, though the book doesn’t say what the prizes are. Then Alice puts pennies in her own pants and makes the children fondle her. Alice also convinces the children that if the adults hear of the special penny game, they’ll take the prizes and the pennies. Apparently the kiddies are dumb enough to believe that.

Hey, I want in on the penny games!

Alice also brings out a trunk full of dress up clothes and accessories and she watches the children play dress up. Then she puts them in various positions in front of a mirror and ogles them. Going by the book, the positions include standing on one’s head, standing with hands on hips, and raising one’s arms in the air whilst holding a scarf.

Kinky.

Then Alice lets them go outside and play in the mud -- which their parents never let them do because they’re assholes -- and then they have to get all clean before mummy and daddy come home. Oh, goody. So, yeah there’s more touching in the tub. Alice makes the kids touch themselves and each other and then she gets in the bath and makes them touch her. And the kids don’t get too upset because apparently, their parents are such assholes that they almost never get to have bubble baths. Which, sucks for you kids.

So this whole perverted and disturbing drama is resolved when Alice breaks her leg whilst riding her horse (and my own sick mind wonders exactly how she was ‘riding’ this horse and if that’s all she did to it. Do horses like bubble baths?) and the kiddies get a new babysitter -- a kindly old woman named Betty (“And she made them pot brownies” said my father). Betty was disturbed when she had to give the children a bath and they kept humping each other, so she talked to them and they told her about the “secret touching games” and she told the parents, who told the cops, who sent a social worker round to Alice’s. And now Alice is in juvie. No, no, I kid, I don’t know what happened to Alice. They would have you think that the frumpy social worker had a talk with her and made her cry and see the error of her kinky ways and that was it.

So, yeah, Alice doesn't babysit anymore.

I'm still fairly disturbed by the penny games. I, and now most of my friends, can never look at pennies again. At least, not in a non-perverted way.

Thanks a lot, Alice. Perv.

In which I am a horrible, terrible, dirty-minded person

So tonight I drove down to Blockbuster and I forgot to bring my iPod, so I was forced (FORCED!) to listen to the radio, but because I hate radio stations that involve 1. lots of talking, 2. commercials, 3. country western, 4. religion, 5. Christmas, or 6. genres of music I avoid like the plague, I'm limited to one of two stations, depending on what's playing at the moment or listening to every station for all of about 5 seconds. The latter is usually more entertaining and less frustrating.

What is the point of me telling you this? Well, I was flipping through the stations and on one of the religious stations Some Guy was telling The Story of Christmas and How Jesus Was Born and he was to the part where the Angel of the Lord was telling Mary that she was going to give birth and she was all "How can I give birth what with being a virgin and all?" And then the most awesome thing happened.

See, about 2 seconds after I realized that Some Guy was telling The Story of Christmas and How Jesus Was Born, I hit the 'seek' button, but there's a delay when you use the button on the steering wheel. Well Some Guy kept telling The Story of Christmas, but he got cut off at the most perfect part, because, you see, Some Guy said:

"The angel said, 'The spirit will come on you!'"

And my brain fell into the gutter. And I laughed hysterically for minutes.

The good news is, Mary's still a virgin. The bad news is that she's pregnant and has gonorrhea. IN HER EYE!

I know, I know. I'm a terrible, horrible, dirty-minded person for immediately leaping from "The angel said, 'The spirit will come on you!'" to bukkake, but you have to admit, it is pretty funny.

And let's face it, I 'm surrounded by terrible, horrible, dirty-minded people. At the library staff Christmas party yesterday, topics of discussion included furries, what a furry is, and furry conventions. Then, after a bunch of us had our pictures taken with horrible, disturbing hairy creepy-doll-faced kleenex box covers (seriously, don't ask) there was an involved discussion of zombies, killing zombies, levitating zombies, and strapping a chain-saw to one's arm (which is basically my plan for when I become a zombie. How I was going to force the zombie infection from the creepy doll faced kleenex box cover into only my hand was not included in my cunning plan to become Ash from "Army of Darkness").

And really the only thing I have to say after that is the people who made Planet Unicorn are either on drugs or geniuses. Seriously, check it out:

Planet Unicorn Episodes