Okay, so this does not happen very often any more, because I am so jaded and so on regarding all things computer (Jewish personals? That's so last week!), but today I got a spam e-mail with a subject line that had me cackling for minutes. And so I must share with you the e-mail in it's entirety:
Re: Glass Sex Toys are an Acceptable Gift for any Occasion
"In theory, our voice boxes would become non functional in a few shall not remain supperless; and he made a meal of him.
Areas of our lives that are considered sacred and should be leaves his house at 7:40 every morning to make the commute"
And when the message downloaded (I know! I don't usually!) it was actually and ad for hand blown (hee hee!!!) glass dildos. The funny thing is that in the ad they actually try to sell it to you as an Art Object as well as a sex toy. As if you're going to be so impressed with the artistry that after you played with it, you'll just rinse it off and display it on the mantle or something.
Later, I got another spam that cracks me up to no end. This time, it's not the idea, but the acctual message that's so silly. See for yourself:
"Old Witchcraft Secrets - make your wildest dreams come true
It's NOT your fault that your spells and rituals aren't turning out like you want... YET.
The truth is... you've been misled by self-proclaimed powerful wizards and witches...
and the truth is that 99% of these 'professionals' are DEAD WRONG!
In fact, a lot of what they say will actually diminish your powers.
They don't want you to know the right way to cast spells because if you did, you'd never need
them again and they would lose their power!
You cannot invent 'new' spells like you cannot invent a new tree. Everything is old. But
not everything is known in the right way.
Get 3 Spells just for visiting our site!
As you know, many witches and wizards are FURIOUS about this. Why?
Because it reveals the true forgotten secrets of witchcraft. Secrets more powerful than what they
can do through their very expensive services...
Soon, everybody will be able to do this at home,
more effectively, cheaper and faster....
You've seen some ridiculous prices on the internet for
getting a spell done. It's obvious they are
getting rich off of normal people and their problems...
Once you know their secrets, you won't need to give them your money!
I've personally tested this information, and some of the
old forgotten stuff is mind blowing: it's accurate, effective
and quite easy to do.
So, yeah. And the "company" that is message came from? Is in Austria.
When I first started reading the message, I thought of all kinds of funny things to say, but they'd all fallen out of my head by the time I finished.
And, I'm going to leave it at that. I've got nothing.
~ SCJ
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Friday, August 3, 2007
Why do people die?
WARNING: This is a rant, as told to Nikk Perry. If you are offended by crude and crass comments about male copulation then, stop here, if you are okay with that but find yourself less then amused by freak accidents involving animals, stop here, and if you just suck at life and find anything, even the a fore mentioned, offensive, then take the stick out of your ass, lighten up and piss off. Oh and if profane language pisses you off, then get over it, and fuck off.
Knowing my luck, it would happen to me. Everyone is going camping. Oh joyous rapture I will be able to talk to you uninterrupted. But then again, knowing my luck something would happen. Midway through our conversation Mike will call and say something like the Campground blew up. Sounds ludicrous, but it could happen. Here's how:
-Little Jimmy had the gas door whatsit flap apparatus open to siphon gas from the 6 ton recreational vehicle into his little off-road-daddy-felt-he-needed-to-buy-junior-a-real-toy-and-teach-him-the-
ways-of-the-independent-male-although-he's-five-dirt-bike and like a douche, he learned from his father, left it open as he rode away. Meanwhile, mummy dearest is in the kitchen part of the RV making honey pie, gramma's recipe. She leaves it on the counter whilst going to check on little Jimmy because he has now screamed in agony form his unnecessary toy apparatus falling over on top of him. Pussy. Anyway, a bear and his brother that has escaped from a testing facility and are now sporting super human strength. They smell this honey pie, gramma's recipe, and try to reach in through the open window but due to their massive bear bi-ceps they can barely fit it in. One of them continues to push and push and push rocking the RV. Then a mountain lion crawls under the RV and lays there in the shade. The alligator sticks his nose underneath the RV and opens is jaws, the mountain lion gets scared and stands up the bears get fed up and give a BIG push. The RV tips over onto the campfire and the open gas tank leaks out. It catches the fire and a few seconds that only chemistry can explain go by and
-Little Jimmy had the gas door whatsit flap apparatus open to siphon gas from the 6 ton recreational vehicle into his little off-road-daddy-felt-he-needed-to-buy-junior-a-real-toy-and-teach-him-the-
ways-of-the-independent-male-although-he's-five-dirt-bike and like a douche, he learned from his father, left it open as he rode away. Meanwhile, mummy dearest is in the kitchen part of the RV making honey pie, gramma's recipe. She leaves it on the counter whilst going to check on little Jimmy because he has now screamed in agony form his unnecessary toy apparatus falling over on top of him. Pussy. Anyway, a bear and his brother that has escaped from a testing facility and are now sporting super human strength. They smell this honey pie, gramma's recipe, and try to reach in through the open window but due to their massive bear bi-ceps they can barely fit it in. One of them continues to push and push and push rocking the RV. Then a mountain lion crawls under the RV and lays there in the shade. The alligator sticks his nose underneath the RV and opens is jaws, the mountain lion gets scared and stands up the bears get fed up and give a BIG push. The RV tips over onto the campfire and the open gas tank leaks out. It catches the fire and a few seconds that only chemistry can explain go by and
KABOOM!
Everybody is fucking dead.-
Everybody is fucking dead.-
This is when Jon and Mike pull up to the campground, it's like fucking ground zero, firetrucks ambulances, an array of emergency personnel. That's when Mike calls, " Dude, the campground blew up, can we come camp at your house?"
They later show up and decide to slather themselves in mayonnaise and stick live gold fish to their chests and spoon on the couch, while a random stranger walks in the door you stab him and now he's fuck bleeding on the Berber carpet. While you stand there like a fucking fuck bucket with the knife in your hand staring and his bleeding orifices. Mike and Jon are still spooning while the goldfish are suffocating in the mayo, flapping their appendages and blubbing their little hearts out. This is when you slather yourself in mayo and affix a goldfish you your own chest and and proceed to the couch to join the fun. Scott walks through the door and you stop in your tracks as some of his friends come through the door call struggling to carry this colossal 9 foot bong apparatus. They fill the entire house with smoke and everyone gets fucking wasted, while drinking all of your mum's liquor. THE GOLDFISH ARE DEAD. How do you feel now, eh? So Scott and his cronies leave take their monstrosity with them and you decide to take a shower, Mike and Jon still spooning. When you come downstairs you can't help but be washed over with awesomeness. Annie has arrives bringing her awesome aura of awesomeness. FUCKING AWESOME. She finds this shindig to be below her utter awesomeness and leaves in a huff of awesomeness. You then look at the clock and realize it's 4 in the morning, and you haven't even called me yet. I haven't even been thought of.
JUST MY LUCK THE NIGHT WE CAN TALK, THIS SHIT WOULD HAPPEN.
-CKR
They later show up and decide to slather themselves in mayonnaise and stick live gold fish to their chests and spoon on the couch, while a random stranger walks in the door you stab him and now he's fuck bleeding on the Berber carpet. While you stand there like a fucking fuck bucket with the knife in your hand staring and his bleeding orifices. Mike and Jon are still spooning while the goldfish are suffocating in the mayo, flapping their appendages and blubbing their little hearts out. This is when you slather yourself in mayo and affix a goldfish you your own chest and and proceed to the couch to join the fun. Scott walks through the door and you stop in your tracks as some of his friends come through the door call struggling to carry this colossal 9 foot bong apparatus. They fill the entire house with smoke and everyone gets fucking wasted, while drinking all of your mum's liquor. THE GOLDFISH ARE DEAD. How do you feel now, eh? So Scott and his cronies leave take their monstrosity with them and you decide to take a shower, Mike and Jon still spooning. When you come downstairs you can't help but be washed over with awesomeness. Annie has arrives bringing her awesome aura of awesomeness. FUCKING AWESOME. She finds this shindig to be below her utter awesomeness and leaves in a huff of awesomeness. You then look at the clock and realize it's 4 in the morning, and you haven't even called me yet. I haven't even been thought of.
JUST MY LUCK THE NIGHT WE CAN TALK, THIS SHIT WOULD HAPPEN.
-CKR
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