WARNING: This is a rant, as told to Nikk Perry. If you are offended by crude and crass comments about male copulation then, stop here, if you are okay with that but find yourself less then amused by freak accidents involving animals, stop here, and if you just suck at life and find anything, even the a fore mentioned, offensive, then take the stick out of your ass, lighten up and piss off. Oh and if profane language pisses you off, then get over it, and fuck off.
Knowing my luck, it would happen to me. Everyone is going camping. Oh joyous rapture I will be able to talk to you uninterrupted. But then again, knowing my luck something would happen. Midway through our conversation Mike will call and say something like the Campground blew up. Sounds ludicrous, but it could happen. Here's how:
-Little Jimmy had the gas door whatsit flap apparatus open to siphon gas from the 6 ton recreational vehicle into his little off-road-daddy-felt-he-needed-to-buy-junior-a-real-toy-and-teach-him-the-
ways-of-the-independent-male-although-he's-five-dirt-bike and like a douche, he learned from his father, left it open as he rode away. Meanwhile, mummy dearest is in the kitchen part of the RV making honey pie, gramma's recipe. She leaves it on the counter whilst going to check on little Jimmy because he has now screamed in agony form his unnecessary toy apparatus falling over on top of him. Pussy. Anyway, a bear and his brother that has escaped from a testing facility and are now sporting super human strength. They smell this honey pie, gramma's recipe, and try to reach in through the open window but due to their massive bear bi-ceps they can barely fit it in. One of them continues to push and push and push rocking the RV. Then a mountain lion crawls under the RV and lays there in the shade. The alligator sticks his nose underneath the RV and opens is jaws, the mountain lion gets scared and stands up the bears get fed up and give a BIG push. The RV tips over onto the campfire and the open gas tank leaks out. It catches the fire and a few seconds that only chemistry can explain go by and
-Little Jimmy had the gas door whatsit flap apparatus open to siphon gas from the 6 ton recreational vehicle into his little off-road-daddy-felt-he-needed-to-buy-junior-a-real-toy-and-teach-him-the-
ways-of-the-independent-male-although-he's-five-dirt-bike and like a douche, he learned from his father, left it open as he rode away. Meanwhile, mummy dearest is in the kitchen part of the RV making honey pie, gramma's recipe. She leaves it on the counter whilst going to check on little Jimmy because he has now screamed in agony form his unnecessary toy apparatus falling over on top of him. Pussy. Anyway, a bear and his brother that has escaped from a testing facility and are now sporting super human strength. They smell this honey pie, gramma's recipe, and try to reach in through the open window but due to their massive bear bi-ceps they can barely fit it in. One of them continues to push and push and push rocking the RV. Then a mountain lion crawls under the RV and lays there in the shade. The alligator sticks his nose underneath the RV and opens is jaws, the mountain lion gets scared and stands up the bears get fed up and give a BIG push. The RV tips over onto the campfire and the open gas tank leaks out. It catches the fire and a few seconds that only chemistry can explain go by and
KABOOM!
Everybody is fucking dead.-
Everybody is fucking dead.-
This is when Jon and Mike pull up to the campground, it's like fucking ground zero, firetrucks ambulances, an array of emergency personnel. That's when Mike calls, " Dude, the campground blew up, can we come camp at your house?"
They later show up and decide to slather themselves in mayonnaise and stick live gold fish to their chests and spoon on the couch, while a random stranger walks in the door you stab him and now he's fuck bleeding on the Berber carpet. While you stand there like a fucking fuck bucket with the knife in your hand staring and his bleeding orifices. Mike and Jon are still spooning while the goldfish are suffocating in the mayo, flapping their appendages and blubbing their little hearts out. This is when you slather yourself in mayo and affix a goldfish you your own chest and and proceed to the couch to join the fun. Scott walks through the door and you stop in your tracks as some of his friends come through the door call struggling to carry this colossal 9 foot bong apparatus. They fill the entire house with smoke and everyone gets fucking wasted, while drinking all of your mum's liquor. THE GOLDFISH ARE DEAD. How do you feel now, eh? So Scott and his cronies leave take their monstrosity with them and you decide to take a shower, Mike and Jon still spooning. When you come downstairs you can't help but be washed over with awesomeness. Annie has arrives bringing her awesome aura of awesomeness. FUCKING AWESOME. She finds this shindig to be below her utter awesomeness and leaves in a huff of awesomeness. You then look at the clock and realize it's 4 in the morning, and you haven't even called me yet. I haven't even been thought of.
JUST MY LUCK THE NIGHT WE CAN TALK, THIS SHIT WOULD HAPPEN.
-CKR
They later show up and decide to slather themselves in mayonnaise and stick live gold fish to their chests and spoon on the couch, while a random stranger walks in the door you stab him and now he's fuck bleeding on the Berber carpet. While you stand there like a fucking fuck bucket with the knife in your hand staring and his bleeding orifices. Mike and Jon are still spooning while the goldfish are suffocating in the mayo, flapping their appendages and blubbing their little hearts out. This is when you slather yourself in mayo and affix a goldfish you your own chest and and proceed to the couch to join the fun. Scott walks through the door and you stop in your tracks as some of his friends come through the door call struggling to carry this colossal 9 foot bong apparatus. They fill the entire house with smoke and everyone gets fucking wasted, while drinking all of your mum's liquor. THE GOLDFISH ARE DEAD. How do you feel now, eh? So Scott and his cronies leave take their monstrosity with them and you decide to take a shower, Mike and Jon still spooning. When you come downstairs you can't help but be washed over with awesomeness. Annie has arrives bringing her awesome aura of awesomeness. FUCKING AWESOME. She finds this shindig to be below her utter awesomeness and leaves in a huff of awesomeness. You then look at the clock and realize it's 4 in the morning, and you haven't even called me yet. I haven't even been thought of.
JUST MY LUCK THE NIGHT WE CAN TALK, THIS SHIT WOULD HAPPEN.
-CKR
1 comment:
Judas Priest on a two-speed moped! I don't even know. Tee hee!
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